Monday night. Time to get a workout in. I take off my Apple Watch mid-workout. Why? I’m tired of being tracked. I need a break from knowing I’m good enough. And not good enough. I want to stop using large amounts of data to assess if I’m doing everything just right. And yes, it feels like everything.
2 years ago something in me changed. I say that it broke a part of me, when discussing this with friends. That may be accurate. What broke was my core hope (feeling?) that people would do what was best for their neighbor. I should narrow that down…my hope was that people, who attend church every week, love Jesus, and follow his teachings, would do what was best for their neighbor. Living and unborn.
That did not happen. And since then I have been unseated. I know longer feel like the things I believed to be true were as accurate as I thought. I tend to put people on a pedestal, thinking the very best about them and how *I* think they must certainly be living their lives, based on what they’ve said or done in the past. And when someone falls short of my unrealistic expectations, it leaves me angry and frustrated. It is not fair of me to mentally punish and shun people when this happens. But I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. And it feels like the only way I know to keep myself safe.
I took off my watch. I had a 65 day move streak going. The longest I’ve ever had. That felt good. It also carried a weight with it. The pedestal, the expectations…they don’t end with other people. I expect it of myself as well. And the tracking of my personal activity was (again) becoming a way for me to judge myself. I looked at what I did and what my data told me and I would feel a certain way about who I am as a person. What started as an encouragement and a way to get healthier became a stone around my neck. Some people use that as motivation to better themselves. And that’s encouraging! I do not. And I need to take a step back.
I do not want to be tracked, right now. Whatever happens today (2018 midterm elections in the United States), I will need to be in a place to give, and accept, mercy and grace. Because that, fundamentally, remains a constant truth. Routinely demonstrated. And if I’m using all of my resources to track me and my activities, and if I am doing the same with others, then I have found I am not taking into account that we are humans. All doing what we believe to be best. Usually taking action based on fear. And that fear is often hiding beneath many layers of life, beliefs, and excuses. So much so that the individual cannot register that fear because then they might have to acknowledge it or deal with it. And that brings an often insurmountable pain along with it.
I need to remember that people are only ever going to do what is best for them. A number of people will come to the realization that making sure others are getting what is best for them is the only way to have a world where we are all sustained and have the chance to thrive. Not everyone is there. And I need to have grace for others. And I need to take action for the people I know and love to know that they are safe and loved. And right now, I can’t do that, if I’m tracking everything I do, in order to judge myself as having not done enough. People are going to people. And nothing I write or think will change that universal truth.
I do have the power to love and encourage and support. And that is where I need to focus my energies. In all seasons, but, particularly in this one. Love and peace to you.
